


we can't go back

by boychik



Category: True Beauty - Yaongyi (Webcomic)
Genre: Clubbing, Drabble, First Love, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25620736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boychik/pseuds/boychik
Summary: Seojun and Suho meet again after three years.
Relationships: Seojun Han/Suho Lee
Comments: 15
Kudos: 317





	we can't go back

“Jugyeong, that’s the men’s room!” Suho and Seojun reach for Jugyeong’s wrist at the same time, grasping it firmly. Their fingers overlap, but neither boy budges.

Jugyeong blushes bright red, in turn making the boys blush as well. She stumbles at the sudden contact, noting that the boys were holding hands on her wrist and pretending not to notice.  _ And doing a pretty piss poor job of pretending, too, _ she thinks as she notes their embarrassed faces, how they intentionally avoid looking at their fingers overlapping around her wrist.

There’s an awkward silence as they stand in connection, their pulses surging, jumping with the beat of the too-loud trap music pounding from the club’s speakers above their heads.

As soon as Jugyeong totters back to the table and is safely back in Sua’s care, Seojun turns to Suho. “What the fuck do you want with my girlfriend?”  _ Suho. That smug, beautiful fucker. How could he come back here after all this time like nothing ever happened? _ In a fit of fury, he grabs Suho by his shirt collar and yells at him, inches from his face.

Seojun wants so badly to bite back the tidal wave of insecurity that can only threaten the dregs of their relationship, but another part urges him on to spill his emotional bile, to fuck with Suho just for the high, for the hope he might feel a shred of the pain Seojun feels.  _ You’ve already gone in on him, why not finish what you’ve started? _

Yet another part of Seojun tells him  _ fuck it, they’re both drunk, lay it all out while there’s time. _

“Let go of me,” Suho says coolly. He waits for Seojun to drop his hands, Seojun’s fingers trembling as he releases Suho. Suho’s hazel eyes are as dispassionate as ever, hiding any feelings he might be having beyond the unintimidated. Seojun feels a surge of fear at Suho’s poker face. When he was eating or drinking, when the girls were calling him handsome, when he had seen Seojun for the first time in three years—Suho had only looked sad or bored.  _ Could nothing move him? Was there no getting through to him anymore? _ Suho’s blank stare looks like it can see right through Seojun, obliterate him and all his shitty hopes and dreams in an instant.

Looking into Suho's blank eyes, Seojun tries to calm himself. It was good to get back to training, that much was true. The fact that he could get back with his boys like not much had happened was simultaneously terrifying and gratifying. Seojun feels alive singing and dancing. It feels good to do what he loved again after so long. What Seyeon would have wanted him to do. What Seyeon would have been happy to see him do, would have smiled and cheered him on from anywhere in the world... He can’t even think about Seyeon anymore. Right now, more than anything, he misses Suho Lee.

He doesn’t want to admit he’s jealous of Suho. But he knows that while he is Jugyeong’s first boyfriend. Suho was Jugyeong’s first love.

Seojun would know, after all. Suho was his first love, too.

First love is unforgettable. Feelings may change, but they don’t disappear. Even after a lifetime, it was possible that the dormant ghosts of feelings could stir to the surface at nothing more than a memory, and revive as though they had never been forgotten. It has only been three years, far less than a lifetime, that Suho was off in America.

Seojun wonders what Suho is thinking, prickles at the thought that he might be looking down on him. Without words, Seojun imagines all the things Suho is thinking right now, with the heat from Seojun’s hand still lingering on his skin.  _ Are you still the same Seojun? You’ve changed. What happened to the cool guy I knew before? The Seojun I knew wouldn’t pull this bullshit.  _ His heart aches, too, thinking that the Suho he knew used to be different as well. The Suho he’s met again is frighteningly empty, poker-faced and hard to read, like a faraway shell someone threw with all their strength into the ocean, the low tide just pulling it continually farther into the pit of the sea as Seojun stands on the shore with Jugyeong looking out. The Suho standing before him dispassionately is different from the Suho he used to know, but the love is the same. The curling feeling in the pit of Seojun’s stomach and the beating of his heart are proof of that.

They can’t go back, so this is the next best thing.

Suho isn’t thinking anything of the sort. Maybe it’s the alcohol, but Suho feels warmth in Seojun’s hatred and defensiveness, the angry touch that only brings them closer, a flimsy shield for his heart. Maybe Suho is desperate too, after years of regrets—messages never sent and words never said. Once Seojun has dropped his hands by his sides, still red in the face, chest rising and falling, Suho reaches out and takes his hand ever so gently.

It happens in an instant—as though after their initial touch over Jugyeong’s wrist, that was the end of three years’ distance. More than that, really.  _ Since Seyeon—  _ Seojun bites back the thought, instead focuses on grabbing Suho round the corner, out of sight of the table. Their lips crash together as the club music pounds on, their hands in each other’s hair, pulling, stroking.

It’s over almost as soon as it begins, Seojun’s consciousness roaring at him that he has a girlfriend, that he should stop. But for a moment, he is back with Suho. Even a shadow of his middle school smile is enough to buoy the anchor, satisfy the ghosts of his first love for an instant. Before he met Jugyeong, before he quit training, before Suho left Korea, before Sey—before everything went to shit, there was always Suho. In that moment, Seojun knows that there will always be.


End file.
